Sanitise Me

Sanitise me, make me clean,
This filthy failure of a Human Bean.
‘We all have problems, you’re not unique’
But there’s a reason my school yard nickname was ‘freak’.
Insane, in pain, unclean and dirty
‘You should be able to cope once you get past thirty’
But my ‘old self’ seems a distant dream
So ‘sanitise me’, make me clean.

I should pull myself together and get back to work
Just ignore the corners where the demons lurk.
So self indulgent, slothful and lazy;
‘You can’t work “because your thoughts are hazy!?”’
People live through worse, why can’t I cope?
It’s sensationalist to claim I’ve lost all hope
But blame the hormones or blame my mother,
I just can’t fit in now I’m branded ‘other’.
If there’s ‘no one home’ behind the eyes
It must be time to sanitise.

I’d leave the house but it takes well over an hour
To ritualise a cleansing shower
And carefully construct my camouflage
In an attempt to dodge social sabotage.
Sinking, choking, no trees for the wood
I just can’t function like I should;
And it’s so hard to explain the ache to be free
Of this place I’m in that just isn’t me.
Please sanitise me, make me clean,
This filthy failure of a Human Bean