Smear
If you're a delicate soul or faint of heart
I'd suggest that now's the time to depart;
For there's a thing I've been meaning to get off my chest.
I'm sorry guys. This is called 'The Smear Test'
I'll start with the name; 'to smear' sounds grim
But that's really not what they'll do to your quim!
'To scrape' or 'to gouge' are descriptors much better
Or 'scour' or 'graze' would be more to the letter.
And no matter how much I learn or revise,
As I strip from the waist and part my thighs
I'm not too sure how one can succeed
in exams that result in a minor bleed.
'You're not very relaxed!' the nurse sharply scolds
As she drives cold, hard metal into warm, soft folds.
Oh gosh, so sorry, must do better than that,
As you rummage around inside my twat
And spread my flaps so wide asunder
Whilst mining for mutant cellular plunder
I'll just kick back and take a break
I'll try to enjoy it for goodness sake.
Then finally beaten, the contraption in place
My exposed cervix stares the nurse in the face
As she prepares to go in for the killing
I'm trying so hard to look like I'm chilling
But still I'm berated for being 'too tight'
(Though my last boyfriend seemed to think it alright!)
While Florence Nightingale sharpens her cleaver
And dives with intent towards my beaver.
'Here we go!' she announces with ease,
Her shoulders bobbing between my knees
And I'm still determined to do my part
but it's hard to relax whilst restraining a fart.
Finally! With triumph, above her head
She raises the implement stained with red.
'Oh, now I've finished, you've let go a bit!'
Really. Have I, Sherlock? No Shit.
The bloody swab is prepared for the lab
And I'm left to wipe and mop and dab.
I've reservations, you may have guessed
About the delights of the so called smear test
And, yes, it's best to be safe I know
And men also have trials through which they must go,
So it's not that I'm fussing, wouldn't put girls off
But I'd love to be cupped while someone gently said 'cough'
Pants back on my bum, shoes on my feet
And I stagger unsteadily into the street
To wait for the letter in all its formalities
To add to my list of abnormalities.