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4 hours, 14 minutes and 30 Seconds of Ouch

27/4/2015

11 Comments

 
When I was at primary school, I remember 'achieving' a certificate for 'Good Sportsmanship' when I came last in a race on sports day. Even then, though my mum put it on my bedroom wall alongside evidence of my more academic prowess, I regarded it with disdain, being firmly of the opinion that it was simply what they issued in an attempt to placate you in your failure. I think, today, if I put aside my ego, which is currently feeling just as battered and bruised as my poor, tortured iliotibial band, I may have finally learned the value of that accolade. So last night, I felt calm, strong and optimistic. I knew that I was not as fit as I was for my last (first) marathon but I genuinely felt it could go either way. To be honest, I was even secretly predicting Good Things. As you may have guessed, it didn't really pan out that way.
Joe at Start
Meeting Joe from UKRunChat at the Green Start!
Although Saturday was happily ITB pain free, it started hurting this morning, even as I queued at the bag drop. From mile 0, I was in pain. "Ah well" I mentally coached myself "not unexpected and pain is only temporary!" I held that state of mind up pretty well for 20 miles. I overtook the 3:45 pacer and kept up a reasonably consistent pace despite the pain, remaining on target to achieve a second GFA time. I swung past landmarks... Where I used to live... Where I used to catch the bus... Where I used to work... I kept it up, despite the pain and despite the emotional twinging of running past all these places and more, which reminded me of the friend I was running for. "That's where we played Frisbee in Greenwich Park" "That's the bar where we got smashed on sugary cocktails and danced to Tiffany" "That's the restaurant where we had that curry the night I ate all the lime pickle for a bet and nearly had An Accident" "That's his old block of flats..." I don't know if it was the mental exhaustion of ignoring the pain combined with the emotional baggage that undid me or if it was a genuinely physical thing but by mile 20 every muscle in my right leg and most of them in my left were screaming in a way I have genuinely never experienced before.
And I know pain. I know the pain of Rheumatoid Arthritis, the kind that puts you in a wheelchair for 18 months of your adolescence. I am not afraid of a few synapses firing here and there in the old grey matter, the same grey matter simultaneously yelling at me to keep going... but I eventually popped, staggering into the first aiders who massaged me and dosed me with ibuprofen (to my eternal gratitude). To save face, I jogged away from the tent but was quickly limping again, with the tears of pain, frustration and loss freely streaming. 6 miles has never seemed so far. Wrapped in a space blanket, I bitterly hobbled on, angrily sneering at those who overtook me just a touch too close, silently channelling the anger I felt at myself towards towards those around me. Yeah. I don't feel so great about that admission.
I was feeling so washed up that when I rounded the corner on the loop and saw the mile 14 marker, I temporarily forgot I already came past that on the other side 7 miles ago and almost chucked it in. I watched the 3:45 pacer vanish off onto the horizon. Then I looked at all the runners who still had almost half a marathon to go... some walking, some running, but 90% of them still grinning. Still grinning and so much stronger than me. Proud of participating, proud to be a part of it and certainly not hung up on how long it would take them to get round the next 13 miles. All kudos to these guys. I really need to learn that.
Mile 23
Mile 23. Sprint finish anyone?!
Run Stats
Run Stats! Can you spot where it all went wrong!?
Seeing this, I kept going. At mile 22, I tried a little jog. The pain shot through my leg, I stumbled, I carried on walking. At mile 23, I heard my name called. Some friends, also out to support another runner had spotted me. Waving excitedly, full of beans and clearly delighted just to have caught a glimpse of me. Whether it was a morale boost or the shame of being caught in tears that got the better of me I don't know but I got it into my legs one way or the other and picked up to a little trot. Tired, sore legs and poor form due to my continued clinging to the space blanket took their toll however and I somehow caught my toe in an uneven bit of tarmac. The inevitable happened and I flew forward, hitting the deck to the sound of the crowd gasping as I went. I rolled over and gazed up at the grey clouds, as runners dodged past me, every bit the dying beetle until something buried even deeper than the bit that wanted to give up finally found it's voice. "This is NOT how this story ends! Get the heck up!" So I did. I got up, the gasps turned to cheers, the only ones I feel I really earned, and I ran. I threw down the space blanket and I managed the last three miles at a sub ten minute mile pace. Not great and not as fast as I can run but better than walking.

So I think, after 3 decades, I might have finally earned that Good Sportsmanship certificate. And while I can't share the epitaph Haruki Murakami plans for his grave stone, I can't say 'I never walked', I can say I damn well got up and kept going and in my opinion that's more important because, you see, it doesn't actually matter how many times you fall down, as long as you get up just one time more than that.
Sawsagis
I shall now devour ALL the SAWSIGIS!

Appendix:
Glittermousie's 3 stage plan of recovery for bruised London Marathon ego:
1) Get over yourself.
2) Register for Manchester Marathon 2016, achieve new GFA.
3) Run London 2017 and kick it in the pavements.
11 Comments
Peter Smith link
26/4/2015 09:07:06 pm

A......Exhausted just reading about it!!!!! You are an amazing person.

Reply
@running_dan_w link
27/4/2015 01:48:55 am

Amazing determination. Be proud. And I look forward to following your journey to stick it to London in 2017!

Reply
Glittermouse
27/4/2015 02:13:40 am

Thank you, gents. :)

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@Mekster
27/4/2015 04:42:00 am

I am in awe that you kept going. Massive grit and strength of character. You're an inspiration.

Reply
Glittermouse
27/4/2015 04:52:43 am

Thank you. Steady on now, you'll make me blub again ;)

Reply
Suzanne
27/4/2015 06:41:12 am

Great work Anne, and a great read! Amazing efforts and pain you out yourself through. So glad we managed to see you, we were scouring the crowds nearly loosing all hope. You should be so proud of yourself, you are such a strong person.
X

Reply
Glittermouse
27/4/2015 09:44:03 am

Thank you honey, and also for your support. It was you who got me round the last 3 miles. X

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Chris Orton
27/4/2015 10:52:55 am

School sports days! I remember those all too well! (Yours and my own!) Well now you are fully justified in sticking up two fingers to those who ran past you back then (Youve not mentioned you were five years and some of them were 8 or 9) Many, many congratulations for getting through it all. X X X

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Glittermouse
28/4/2015 09:55:11 am

Was I? Didn't remember that bit... Just the grazed knees... And I clearly haven't grown out of giving myself those!! :) x

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Autumn link
28/4/2015 07:36:02 am

Ah, where to start?! How about - you are incredible?! You had a really tough build up where things out of your control impeded you. Then again, same thing in the race, stuff you can't do anything about putting a kibosh on a goal time. And it's not fair, it really isn't.

But you could control how you dealt with it.....and that's what has impressed me most. I admire your honesty in your thoughts (I would have felt really bitter too about people passing just that touch too close). But you got on with it and finished what you started. And you did it with dignity.

I hope you're recovering well and that medal is somewhere pride of place. Obviously I didn't know Giles, but I'm betting all the money I have in the world (not much!) that he's immensely proud of you xx

Reply
Glittermouse
28/4/2015 10:00:45 am

Thank you. I think he'd have lectured me on refuelling properly and then gone off into a discourse about how to mentally recalculate minute/mile splits whilst running according to Euler's equation or something! Hope you are recovering too, A great time, and very hard earned, massive congratulations to you! :)

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    Glittermouse is a visual artist, educator and practising Buddhist who also likes a bit of a run from time to time.  In 2014, she realised others could benefit quite a lot from her reflections on running trials, tribulations, triumphs and trip-ups… so she added another volume to her package of blogging adventures.
     
    You can find out more and source links to other projects on the 'home' page of this site.

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